150+ Best Chuck Norris Jokes

– Chuck Norris Jokes –

If you’ve seen all of the Chuck Norris jokes and phrases that have been going around the internet, you’ll appreciate this collection of the greatest.

Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kicker, has a cult following like a few others. Because of his tough man image, the action actor has essentially a second job producing memes and jokes.

Fortunately, there are plenty of Chuck Norris jokes (or, rather, Chuck Norris facts) to go around.

Here are some of the greatest new Chuck jokes to have in your back pocket so you can try to outdo your buddies the next time the issue comes up.

Best Chuck Norris Jokes

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

2. When Chuck Norris stares into the abyss, the abyss nervously looks away.

3. Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.

4. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

5. Chuck Norris doesn’t turn the shower on. He just stares at it until it starts to cry.

6. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that their ancestors felt it.

7. Chuck Norris eats coconuts without removing the shell.

8. Chuck Norris’ trash throws itself out.

9. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

10. Chuck Norris eats bullets for breakfast. Better not be around when he burps.

Chuck Norris Jokes 2022

11. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned up the sun.

12. Chuck Norris can beat Tetris in 5 seconds. He doesn’t even need to play.

13. Chuck Norris can use the Crane Kung Fu Style to lift a building.

14. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

15. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

16. There are no streets named after Chuck Norris because no one would ever cross Chuck Norris.

17. Chuck Norris mines bitcoin with a pen and paper.

18. When Chuck Norris needs an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

19. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.

Chuck Norris Jokes

Funny Chuck Norris Jokes

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

23. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

24. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

25. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick-related deaths have increased by 13,000 percent.

26. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

27. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

28. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

29. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

30. When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

New Chuck Norris Jokes

31. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

32. In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

33. Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

34. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

35. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was too close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind.

36. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

37. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

38. Some kids pee their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

39. Chuck Norris doesn’t use sanitizers, he just contracts his muscles and the germs drop off.

40. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Funny Jokes

Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes

41. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

42. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

43. Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe air, he breathes fear.

44. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it actually affects the world economy.

45. Chuck Norris can get a woman pregnant by pointing at her and saying “Booyah!”

46. Chuck Norris’ heartbeat sounds like the US national anthem.

47. Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet. He just scares the crap out of it.

48. Chuck Norris gives his wife a still-beating heart every Valentine’s day.

49. They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t tough enough for his beard.

50. Chuck Norris thinks, therefore the World is.

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Dirty Chuck Norris Jokes

51. When Chuck Norris drinks a bottle of beer, he literally drinks the bottle.

52. Chuck Norris has punched people so hard that their blood started bleeding.

53. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.

54. When Chuck Norris’ parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

55. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

56. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

57. When Chuck Norris drops a sandwich, it keeps hanging in the air above the ground.

58. Chuck Norris once hit a huge rock with his golf club. We now call it the Moon.

59. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

60. The Swiss Army uses Chuck Norris Knives.

Top Jokes

Top Chuck Norris Jokes

61. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

62. On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.

63. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

64. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

65. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

66. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

67. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

68. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.

69. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

70. Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

Chuck Norris Thanksgiving Jokes

71. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

72. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

73. Some kids pee their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

74. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, that it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

75. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

76. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

77. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

78. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

79. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

80. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

Crazy Words

Awesome Jokes

81. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

82. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

83. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

84. Chuck Norris once took LSD just to give his hallucinations a bad trip.

85. When Chuck Norris can’t go to the gym, he goes shoplifting.

86. When Chuck Norris is in Rome, the Romans do as Chuck Norris does.

87. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

88. The seismic scale actually has a magnitude above 9, it’s called “the Chuck Norris’ Sneeze”.

89. Scientists say our Universe is constantly expanding. It’s actually running away from Chuck Norris.

90. Chuck Norris’ Hawaiian vacation house is on a volcano, ‘cause who doesn’t like a nice jacuzzi?

Funny One Liner

91. Chuck Norris only goes to sleep to let the Earth rest.

92. After Chuck Norris hits the gym, it needs to shut down for repairs.

93. Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

94. Burger King made their slogan “Have it your way” after Chuck Norris walked in and ordered a Big Mac.

95. The “Roundhouse kick” name was born when Chuck Norris kicked around an entire house.

96. Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.

97. The Dead Sea was alive before Chuck Norris swam there.

98. Tornadoes are actually a result of Chuck Norris punching the wind.

99. When Chuck Norris steps on a lego, the lego cries.

100. When Chuck Norris tips the waiter, the waiter falls down.

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Crazy Jokes

101. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

102. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris

103. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Universe into existence. They called it The Big Bang.

104. When the teacher wanted to talk to Chuck Norris, he had to raise his hand.

105. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to season his meat.

106. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

107. Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.

108. Chuck Norris hates ties! He prefers wins instead.

109. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

110. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Wow One Liners

Fun Jokes

111. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

112. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

113. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

114. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

115. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

116. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

117. Chuck Norris once went skydiving but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

118. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

119. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

120. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Wow Jokes

121. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

122. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

123. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

124. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.

125. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

126. Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

127. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

128. In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

129. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

130. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Best One-Liner

Best One-Liner Jokes

131. Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.

132. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops in the eye.

133. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

134. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

135. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

136. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

137. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

138. Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

139. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

140. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Rib Cracking Jokes

141. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart was lost.

142. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

143. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

144. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

145. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

146. Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

147. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

148. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

149. When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

150. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

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More Awesome Jokes

151. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

152. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

153. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

154. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

155. Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. In response, Chuck Norris bit the head of Batman.

156. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

157. Chuck Norris can kill seven with one blow. By literally blowing on them.

158. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

159. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

160. When lightning strikes Chuck Norris, the sky gets a scar.

FAQs about Chuck Norris Jokes

Below are frequently asked questions about Chuck Norris Jokes

1. What are the best Chuck Norris jokes?

▸ Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

▸ Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

▸ If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

▸ Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

▸ In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

▸ When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

▸ Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

▸ If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

▸ The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

▸ Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


2. Where did the Chuck Norris joke phenomena originate from?

The Chuck Norris jokes started in the summer of 2005 as the result of a thread on the SomethingAwful forums.


3. How did the whole Chuck Norris thing get started?

In 1977, Norris had his first starring role in the action film Breaker! Breaker!. Movie audiences loved to watch him mete out swift justice to bad guys in such films as Good Guys Wear Black and Forced Vengeance.


4. Who wins in a fight between Chuck Norris and John Wick?

Chuck Norris easily. John Wick has little to no chance against a guy who can wipe out everything with his mind. If that’s not enough here are some facts about Chuck Norris.


5. Should Chuck Norris jokes really be Jocko Willink jokes?

The Chuck Norris “facts” are an internet phenomena which first began in the mid 2000’s. The memes centre around outlandish over the top “facts” attributed to Chuck Norris and his numerous fictional feats or as an embellishment of his purported toughness.


6. Why does everyone make such a big deal about Chuck Norris?

Norris was bad-ass in the day, but his action films were also kind of corny. Especially in the sense that Norris was untouchable; one man with a big gun and some bad-ass chopsocky moves can destroy entire villages of gorilla militias…you get the idea right?

It’s also because he is such a huge departure from other beefcakes like Stallone and Schwarzenegger; he’s a ginger for Pete’s sake! LOL!


7. Who is tougher and more badass than Chuck Norris?

It’s got to be Liam Neeson. Very few of us must have grown up watching Chuck Norris. Liam Neeson has played some of the most iconic characters of our generation.

He’s played the greatest dad ever in Taken. He has played Ra’s Al Guhl, Qui-Gon Jinn, Oskar Schindler in Schindler’s list, he was Aslan’s voice in Narnia and he’s in Fallout. If you don’t agree, then I will find you.


8. When will Chuck Norris’ jokes cease to be understood?

When the Universe ends!


9. What are some true facts about Chuck Norris?

▸ Chuck Norris’s full name is Carlos Ray Norris. He is 82 years old and was born on March 10, 1940, in Ryan, Oklahoma, US.

▸ Norris’ father, Ray Dee Norris, was a World War II soldier and a man of many talents. Sadly he was also an alcoholic.

▸ Norris was named after his father’s minister, Carlos Berry.

▸ Norris has two younger brothers, Wieland and Aaron. Aaron is a Hollywood producer.

▸ He was an introvert at school; Norris was not athletic and was academically mediocre.

▸ Norris has shared that his parent’s unstable finances and the embarrassment of his father’s alcoholism are the main reasons for his introverted character as a child.

▸ His parents divorced when Norris was 16, which resulted in him moving with his mother and brothers to Torrance in California.

▸ Norris is best known for his acting, but he is a man of many talents. He is a martial artist, film producer, screenwriter, and he was an air policeman for the US Air Force.

▸ Norris married his high school sweetheart Dianne Kay Holechek. He was age 18, and she was 17 years old.

▸ In 1958 Norris became an Air Policeman for the United States Air Force. He was posted to Osan Air Base in South Korea.


10. If Darth Vader fought Chuck Norris, who would win?

If you fight Mike Tyson you will be knocked out in seconds. If God fights Mike Tyson he wouldn’t even know the fight was occurring. Chuck Norris is God, Vader is Tyson.

Just because the galaxy has to fear Vader doesn’t mean it’s creator does. (Chuck Norris created the galaxy far far away for a birthday present to God, because the galaxy God created was boring with only one inhabited planet.


11. Did Chuck Norris actually beat Bruce Lee in a fight?

Absolutely not. Chuck Norris admits to having trained with Bruce Lee for approximately two years.

But as an all-time great karate champion, and especially being from that era when men were extremely proud, Chuck Norris has never and would never admit to having trained UNDER Bruce Lee.

Here are a few forgotten facts lost to the annals of time.


12. What are some mind-blowing truths about Chuck Norris?

▸ Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

▸ Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

▸ If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

▸ Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

▸ In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

▸ When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

▸ Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

▸ If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

▸ The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

▸ Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


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