– Funny Work Quotes –
Are you sick of hearing the same motivating slogans over and again? Then you have to check out this collection of funny work quotes that our crew can’t get enough of!
Maybe you’re stressed out because of a looming deadline, or you’re tired of hearing the same office drama day after day. Or maybe you’re simply grumpy because you had to change out of your pj’s and into actual trousers today.
Whatever element of your job has you down, the easiest way to cheer up is to read these humorous work quotes that will make you laugh.
These humorous quips and funny work quotes make light of the ups and downs of working life and are sure to brighten any day at the office.
Funny Motivational Quotes for Work
1. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
2. I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22 Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.
3. “Make today your masterpiece.”
4. “If you work just for money, you’ll never make it, but if you love what you’re doing and you always put the customer first, success will be yours.”
5. “No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
6. “As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
7. It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
8. “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
9. “You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
10. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Funny Quotes about Work
11. “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
12. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
13. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
14. People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
15. “It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
16. “I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend than be one.” — Clarence Darrow
17. “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
18. “It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
19. “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
20. “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Work Quotes Funny
21. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
22. Going to work doesn’t make me happy, my paycheck does.
23. If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
24. I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
25. If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average.
26. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
27. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
28. A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it.
29. Doing nothing is harder than it looks. It’s impossible to take breaks.
30. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
Inspirational Quotes for Work Funny
31. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
32. Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.
33. If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues’ initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.
34. It’s hard to soar like an eagle when you work with turkeys.
35. Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.
36. I have no idea what my job is here. I just drink lots of coffee.
37. Sweetie, I’m gonna need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, okay?
38. Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.
39. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
40. The wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead.
Funny Inspirational Work Quotes
41. I’ve worked too hard to quit now.
42. She works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
43. I love my job. Can I go home now, please?
44. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
45. “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
46. “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
47. “The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
49. “Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Funny Work Quotes
50. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Funny Quotes for Work
51. “There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.” — David Letterman
52. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
53. “If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y plays. Z is keeping your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
54. “The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
55. “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
56. “Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs.” — Mary Kay Ash
57. “My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Funny Work Quotes
58. “The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
59. “Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Funny Work Quotes
60. “I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Funny Work Quotes
Sarcastic Quotes Funny Work Quotes
61. When work feels overwhelming, remember that you’re going to die.
62. I often find myself contemplating if punching you in the face would be worth losing my job.
63. I really hate it when someone suggests I get a job doing something I love. No one is going to pay me to chug vodka and pin some e-cards all day long.
64. Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence.
65. Don’t corner something meaner than you.
66. Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing off what I did yesterday.
67. It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
68. Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
69. Work like a captain. Play like a pirate.
70. Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job
Positive Attitude Funny Motivational Quotes for Work
71. When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp.
72. I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.
73. Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.
74. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
75. Run your idea up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it.
76. ‘Yay! It’s the weekend! ‘ said nobody who works in a restaurant.
77. Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them.
78. The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
79. It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
80. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Inspirational Work Quotes Funny
81. It’s a little disheartening when your co-workers get paid more than you and you still have to show them how to send an email.
82. I told my boss that 2 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric, and cable.
83. In life only one thing is certain, Friday will come.
84. The only way to do great work is to love what you do.
85. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
86. The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
87. The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
88. “Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.” — Funny Work Quotes
89. “When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
90. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Hilarious Work Quotes Funny Sarcastic
91. “Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
92. Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
93. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
94. “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis
95. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
96. “A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
97. “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Funny Work Quotes
98. “Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
99. “People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
100. “Pride, commitment, and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Funny Work Quotes
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101. “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, and waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
102. “The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
103. “An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
104. “Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
105. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Funny Work Quotes
106. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
107. “Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
108. “Where people aren’t having fun, they seldom produce good work.” – David Ogilvy
109. “I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Funny Work Quotes
110. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
111. “Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half isn’t so bright.” – Funny Work Quotes
112. “I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. Do you know what that means? Do you know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law. (cialis) ’” – Chris Rock
113. “I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
114. “Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
115. “The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan
116. “It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleges and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children.” – Alan Alda
117. “A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
118. “I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
119. “A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
120. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
121. “After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Funny Work Quotes
122. “People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
123. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
124. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
125. “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
126. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
127. “My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
128. “Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
129. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
130. “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
131. “I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
132. “Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
133. “Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
134. “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
135. “Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoret
136. “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.” – Scott Adams
137. “An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.” – William Castle
138. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vince Lombardi
139. “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the real greats make you feel that you, too, can be great.” – Mark Twain
140. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Positive Work Quotes
141. “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
142. Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
143. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
144. “One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
145. “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.” – Tim Notke
146. “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
147. “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
148. “Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat lazy, or stupid. Those things are what happen when you didn’t have a plan.” – Larry Winget
149. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
150. “Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
151. “Education costs money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
152. “Many of life’s failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” — Thomas Edison
153. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
154. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
155. It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, and waves pound the sand. I beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
156. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar Bergen
157. Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. – Jim Murray
158. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson
159. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around. – Homer Simpson
160. Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. – Homer Simpson
161. “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” -John Gotti
162. Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock. – Pablo Picasso
163. The taxpayer – that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination. – Ronald Reagan
164. Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still? – J. Paul Getty
165. God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die. – Bill Watterson
166. If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y plays. Z is keeping your mouth shut. – Albert Einstein
167. The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse. – Denise Miller
168. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. – Robert Frost
169. Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work. – Al Capp
170. Beat the 5 o’clock rush, and leave work at noon. – Funny Work Quotes
Funny Positive Quotes
171. The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office. – George Bernard Shaw
172. There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living. – Karl Lagerfeld
173. My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning. – Funny Work Quotes
174. We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us. -Funny Work Quotes
175. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. – Robert Orben
176. I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this belief into a real thing! – Funny Work Quotes
177. I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome
178. Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden. – Orson Scott Card
179. The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. – Bove’s Theorem
180. In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse. – Archie Bunker
181. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
182. A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B. – Fats Domino
183. I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock. – Henny Youngman
184. Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers
185. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’ – Don Marquis
186. The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen. – Sarah Brown
187. A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time. – William C. Feather
188. If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock. – Claude McDonald
189. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller
190. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey
191. Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
192. What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public. – Vilhjalmur Stefansson
193. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
194. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.- Lily Tomlin
195. Failure is not an option… it comes bundled with the software. -Funny Work Quotes
196. The elevator to success is out of order. You will have to use the stairs, one step at a time. – Joe Girard
197. It is a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it is a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S. Truman
198. Lisa, if you do not like your job, you do not strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That’s the American way. – Homer Simpson
199. His insomnia was so bad that he could not sleep during office hours. – Arthur Baer
200. Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. – The Office
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