– One Liner Jokes –
Searching great one liner jokes to crack ribs and turn tables? These one liner jokes are simple to remember and even simpler to share with your best buddies.
A well-placed one liner generates a nice chuckle, and we could all use a little amusement during these tough times. Here are some amusing one liners. These smart jokes will instantly improve your spirits, brighten your attitude, and make you laugh.
These humorous jokes can liven up any discussion, from sharp one-liners that demand some humor to fantastic one liners to share with youngsters.
Continue reading to add these one liner jokes to your collection so you can tell them at your next hilarious family gathering.
Funny One Liner Jokes
1. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a Motherboard?” He said, “I tell her about my job.”
2. The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month. There was no coffin at his funeral.
3. Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.
4. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
5. Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. Because it’s cap-sized.
6. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, “It’s a moving violation.”
7. My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me. It’s a matter of wife or death.
8. I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
9. Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing? I think it’s total non-scents.
10. I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
Best One Liner Jokes
11. What does a CIA agent do when it’s time for bed? He goes undercover.
12. What do you call a dead magician? An abra-cadaver.
13. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
14. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
15. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
16. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
17. Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
18. I wasn’t that hungry, so I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mother was furious.
19. “What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly? Stationary.” against the blue sky background.
20. Why are cats, bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
One Line Jokes
21. What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly? Stationary.
22. I tried to start a professional hide-and-seek team, but it didn’t work out. Turns out, that good player are hard to find.
23. If prisoners could take their own mugshots… they’d be called cellfies.
24. Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
25. My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
26. I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing.
27. What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
28. A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
29. I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won’t be able to make it.
30. If you commit first-degree murder in Canada, is it a 34-degree murder in the US?
Dirty One Liner Jokes
31. What do you call a noodle that doesn’t drink? Soba.
32. You do realize that vampires aren’t real. Unless you Count Dracula.
33. My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s just so hard without him.
34. Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
35. What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.
36. Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands.
37. Dogs can’t see your bones. But CAT scan.
38. I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too many sax and violins.
39. What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
40. My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beanstalk.
Dumb One Liner Jokes
41. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
42. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
43. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him in possession.
44. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
45. I don’t suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it.
46. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” — Stewart Francis
47. “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” — Alun Cochrane
48. Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
49. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a motherboard?” and he said, “I tell her about my job.”
50. Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
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One Line Birthday Jokes
51. What goes, “Oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backward.
52. Have you played the updated kids’ game? I spy with my little eye…phone.
53. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
54. What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
55. Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
56. Life is like a diploma. As in my parents keep telling me to get one.
57. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.
58. Whiteboards are remarkable.
59. I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.
60. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Funny One Line Jokes
61. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger…Then it hit me.
62. How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.
63. Always borrow money from a pessimist; they’ll never expect it back.
64. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
65. “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” — Demetri Martin
66. Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? He was on a roll.
67. Why did the burglar rob a bakery? He needed the dough.
68. I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.
69. “My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” — Unknown
70. What vitamin helps you to see? Vitamin C.
One-Liner Dad Jokes
71. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg
72. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
73. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
74. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.
75. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
76. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
77. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin
78. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
79. A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”
80. A perfectionist walked into a bar — apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Brilliant One-Liner Jokes
81. I ate a clock yesterday, and it was very time-consuming.
82. “I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.” — Rodney Dangerfield
83. “One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!” — Rodney Dangerfield
84. “I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.” — Rodney Dangerfield
85. “In the school, I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.” — Rodney Dangerfield
86. “Oh, when I was a kid in show business, I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.” — Rodney Dangerfield
87. “Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.” — Ed Byrne
88. “I failed math so many times in school I lost count.” — Stewart Francis
89. Every married person should forget their mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same thing.
90. “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers
Clean One Liner Jokes
91. People tell me I’m condescending. (Leans in real close) That means I talk down to people.
92. “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
93. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
94. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
95. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal
96. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
97. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
98. My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
99. If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
100. “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward
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101. I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask, “Are you an item?”
102. “People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett
103. “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis
104. I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.
105. “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” — Les Dawson
106. “Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
107. “Do Transformers get a car or life insurance?” — Russell Howard
108. “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.” — Ross Smith
109. “Two fish in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’” — Peter Kay
110. “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” — Will Marsh
Funniest One Liner Jokes Ever
111. “Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
112. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen
113. Animal testing is a terrible idea because they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
114. I had an “hourglass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
115. When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.
116. “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
117. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
118. A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws it out.
119. I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
120. I doubt, therefore, I might be.
Quick One Liner Jokes
121. Give me the calculator. Friends don’t let friends derive drunk.
122. Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.
123. I hope there’s no pop quiz on the class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
124. The person who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
125. It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
126. Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.
127. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
128. The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
129. For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his shows. I guess you could say he was going through a stage.
130. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — George Carlin
Good One Liner Jokes
131. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” — Rodney Dangerfield
132. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
133. Dogs hate driving because they can never find a barking space.
134. “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” — Stewart Francis
135. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouths.
136. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” — Demetri Martin
137. “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” — Jack Handey
138. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
140. “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx
141. When dogs go to sleep, they read bite-time stories before bed.
142. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.
143. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
144. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.
145. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” — Demetri Martin
146. My math teacher called me average. She’s so mean!
147. Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.
148. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
149. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
150. Women should not have children after 35, but 35 kids are enough!
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One Liner Joke
151. I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.
152. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.
153.PMS jokes are not funny — period!
154. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
155. I refused to believe the road worker was stealing from his job, but when I went to his home, all the signs were there.
156. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
157. The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.
158. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
159. I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
160. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
Frequently Asked Questions About One Liner Jokes
Below are FAQs about one liner jokes
1. What are Some of the Best ‘Dad’ Jokes?
▸ “I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.”
▸ “My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.”
▸ “Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?” “In case they get a hole in one!”
▸ “Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”
▸ “What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?” “They’re both Paris sites.”
2. What’s the Funniest Science-Based Joke you Know?
▸ What did one beam of light say to the other just before they slammed into each other? “Dude, you can totally crash on my photon.”
▸ An amoeba sits down to eat at a restaurant. Across the room, another Amoeba is undergoing mitosis. The first amoeba flags down the waiter and says, “I’ll have what she’s halving.”
3. What is the Best One-Liner Sensible Joke?
▸ Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
▸ The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
▸ Children: You spend the first two years of your life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
▸ He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
▸ My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
▸ Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
▸ I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
▸ Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
4. What is the Best/Worst Pun you’ve Ever Heard/Read?
▸ I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane.
5. What are Some Jokes People Used to Tell in the Soviet Era?
▸ There is full employment – yet no one is working.
▸ No one is working – yet the factory quotas are fulfilled.
▸ The factory quotas are fulfilled – yet the stores have nothing to sell.
▸ The stores have nothing to sell – yet people got all the stuff at home.
▸ People got all the stuff at home – yet everyone is complaining.
▸ Everyone is complaining – yet the voting is always unanimous.
▸ America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.
▸ Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims.
▸ They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.
▸ Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.
▸ The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
▸ They have things that people in other countries only dream about – yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
6. What are Some Funny Chevy vs. Dodge Jokes?
▸ Chevy runs deep, but it takes a Dodge to pull it out.
▸ Did you hear about the new Dodge Ram Truck heated tailgates? They keep your hands warm when you pushing it home.
▸ Did you hear that you get a new dog with every Dodge purchase? That way you have friend to walk with the rest of the way home.
▸ The only thing that runs good on a Dodge is the owner’s mouth.
7. What are Some of the Funniest One-Liners?
▸ My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
▸ I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
▸ I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
▸ I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
▸ I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
▸ I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
8. What are Some Funny Mathematics Jokes?
▸ I saw my math teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.
▸ What did the triangle say to the circle? “You’re pointless.”
▸ How does a mathematician plow fields? With a pro-tractor.
▸ What’s a math teacher’s favorite kind of tree? Geometry.
▸ Parallel lines have so much in common … It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
▸ What do you call more than one L? A parallel!
▸ Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school? Because she sprained her angle.
▸ I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right.
9. What are Some Sarcastic One Liners?
▸ “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
▸ “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
▸ “Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
▸ “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
▸ “Find your patience before I lose mine.”
10. What is the Best Dirty Joke you Have Heard?
A seven year old walks into a brothel and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, “Give me a hooker!”
The madame, looked amused and says, “Get lost kid.”
The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, “Give me a hooker!!”
The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $1,000 on table and says, “Give me a hooker with herpes!!!”
The madame, says, “What? Why would you want that?”
The kid says, “Because, I would screw her and get herpes, then I would go home and screw the baby sitter and she would get herpes.
When my dad comes home, he’ll screw the baby sitter and he’ll get herpes.
Eventually when my dad screws my mom she’ll get herpes and on Wednesday when the pool man comes over she’ll screw him and that’s the MOTHERFUCKER that killed my frog!!!
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