250 Best Sarcastic Quotes and Funny Sarcasm Sayings

– Sarcastic Quotes –

Are you looking for sarcastic quotes? Here are some razor-sharp, clever, and delightfully relevant quotations to appreciate.

Sarcastic Quotes

Sarcasm is said to be a sign of weakness, but who cares what they think?! While some may consider that sarcasm is a dangerous path to take, others believe that sarcasm is a sign of intelligence.

“Sarcasm is the lowest kind of wit but the finest form of intellect,” Oscar Wilde once wrote.

We’ve compiled a list of amusing sarcastic quotes and sayings to brighten your day.

Epic Sarcastic Quotes

1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”- Billy Sunday.

2. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.” – Sarcastic Quotes

3. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.” – Sarcastic Quotes

4. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

5. “I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” -Oscar Wilde

6. “Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”

7. “Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.” –Cal Thomas

8. “Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” –Cassandra Clare

9. “A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” -Sir Winston Churchill

10. “I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

11. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”

12. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

13. “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” –Walter Kerr

14. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”

15. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”

16. “That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”

17. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

18. “Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”

19. “Whoever says nothing surprises them should try working at our office.”

20. “Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”

Sarcastic Quotes

Sarcastic Quotes about Ungrateful People

21. “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen

22. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”

23. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”

24. “I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.” – Millie Bobby Brown

25. “Oh, and I suppose the apples ate the cheese.” -Suzanne Collins

26. “Life’s good, you should get one.”

27. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”

28. “A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?” – Cassandra Clare

29. “I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”

30. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”- Steven Wright.

Sarcastic Funny Quotes on Life

31. “In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”- Erma Bombeck.

32. “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”- Phyllis Diller.

33. “Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.”- Anonymous.

34. “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.”

35. “Well that escalated quickly – our family motto.”- Anonymous.

36. “Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”- Eugene Bertin.

37. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”- Anonymous.

38. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”- Sam Levenson.

39. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”- Walter Matthau.

40. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”- Anonymous.

Sarcastic Quotes

Sarcastic Quotes Funny Work Quotes

41. “My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.”- Anonymous.

42. “I don’t believe in plastic surgery but in your case, go ahead.”- Anonymous.

43. “There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.”- Benjamin Spock.

44. “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. “- Will Rogers.

45. “Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”- Anonymous.

46. “The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.”- Anonymous.

47. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.” – Anonymous

48. “If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.” – Anonymous

49. “Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.” – Anonymous

50. “When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.” – Anonymous

Sarcastic Inspirational Quotes

51. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.” – Anonymous

52. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.” – Anonymous

53. “Sarcasm—the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.” – Anonymous

54. “My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I am kidding anymore.” – Anonymous

55. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Anonymous

56. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.” – Anonymous

57. “If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.” – Anonymous

58. “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” – Anonymous

59. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Anonymous

60. “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars, and makes people smile.” – Mahmoud Darwish

Work Jokes

Sarcastic Quotes on Stupidity

61. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

62. “Life’s good, you should get one.” – Anonymous

63. “Sarcasm—because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.” – Anonymous

64. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence.” – Oscar Wilde

65. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson

66. “They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!” – Anonymous

67. “I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.” – Anonymous

68. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Anonymous

69. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.” – Anonymous

70. “Sarcasm—helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.” – Anonymous

READ ALSO!!!

Sarcastic Anniversary Quotes

71. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” – Anonymous

72. “True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.” – Sarcastic Quotes

73. “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms

74. “An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer

75. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.” –Sarcastic Quotes

76. “They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one!!”  – Sarcastic Quotes

77. “I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde

78. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” – Sarcastic Quotes

79. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”- Sarcastic Quotes

80. “I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.” – Sarcastic Quotes

Anniversary Jokes

Sarcastic Motivational Quotes

81. “Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.” – Sarcastic Quotes

82. “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on.” – Sarcastic Quotes

83. “An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.” –Sarcastic Quotes

84. “At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

85. “Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.” –Sarcastic Quotes

86. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

87. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” – Kin Hubbard

88. “You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.” – Sarcastic Quotes

89. “What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.” – Aldous Huxley

90. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.” – Sarcastic Quotes

Sassy Short Sarcastic Quotes

91. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

92. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”

93. “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” –good morning

94. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”

95. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”

96. “Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” – Robin Williams

97. “What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ” – Aldous Huxley

98. “Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”

99. “I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde

100. “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

Motivational Sayings

Sarcastic Quotes for Boss

101. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”

102. “Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

103. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws

104. “Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Laws

105. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.” “If anything can go wrong, it will.” – Murphy’s Laws

106. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein

107. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”

108. “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”

109. “If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”

110. “Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”

Sarcastic Work Quotes

111. “In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.” – Albert Einstein

112. “Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?”

113. “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” – Albert Einstein

114. “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” – (Sign in Albert Einstein’s Office)

115. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban

116. “Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”

117. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

118. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”

119. “You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”

120. “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”

Silly Sayings

Humor Sarcastic Quotes

121. “I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”

122. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

123. “Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”- Rodney Dangerfield.

124. “I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘good morning’ Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.”- Sarcastic Quotes

125. “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”    – Erma Bombeck.

126. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”- Sarcastic Quotes

127. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”- John Wayne.

128. “Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.”- Jerry Seinfeld.

129. “There are times here my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut.”-Sarcastic Quotes

130. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”- Jerry Seinfeld.

Awesome Quotes

131. “Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”- Will Rogers.

132. “Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.”- Sarcastic Quotes

133. “Knowing your family so well that you can make out who’s coming by the sound of their footsteps.”- Sarcastic Quotes

134. “If you want to call a family meeting – turn off the WiFi and sit in the room where it is located.”- Sarcastic Quotes

135. “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”- William James.

136. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.”-Sarcastic Quotes 

137. “I am not sure if I am actually free or I just keep forgetting my to-do’s.”- Sarcastic Quotes

138. “Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.”- Sarcastic Quotes

139. “The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.”- Sarcastic Quotes

140. “If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!” – Sarcastic Quotes

READ ALSO!!!

Short Quotes

141. “Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.” – Sarcastic Quotes

142. “Apparently rock bottom has a basement.” – Sarcastic Quotes

143. “Sure I’ll help you out—the same way you came in.” – Sarcastic Quotes

144. “Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it.” – Sarcastic Quotes

145. “We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.” – Samuel Beckett

146. “Find your patience before I lose mine.” –Sarcastic Quotes

147. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” – Sarcastic Quotes

148. “If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’ll be poor.” – Sarcastic Quotes

149. “Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.” – Sarcastic Quotes

150. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.” – Sarcastic Quotes

Short Quotes

Positive Quotes

151. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen

152. “Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.” – Anonymous

153. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.” – Anonymous

154. “Have some fun with your life. Call in sick to places you don’t even work at.” – Anonymous

155. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

156. “Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?” – Anonymous

157. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

158. “If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.” – Anonymous

159. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

160. “Instead of, ‘Have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘Have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.” – Anonymous

Motivational Quotes

161. “When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, ‘Plot twist’ and move on.” – Anonymous

162. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Anonymous

163. “It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull. – Sarcastic Quotes

164. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.” – Sarcastic Quotes

165. “I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.” – Sarcastic Quotes

166. “Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.” – Sarcastic Quotes

167. “Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.” – Sarcastic Quotes

168. “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr

169. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” – Sarcastic Quotes

170. “Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.” –Sarcastic Quotes

Sassy Sayings

Clever Quotes

171. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” — Billy Connolly

172. “Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?” – Sarcastic Quotes

173. “I always say “Morning” Instead of “Good Morning” Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.” – Sarcastic Quotes

174. “My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.” – Sarcastic Quotes

175. “I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.” – Sarcastic Quotes

176. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”  – Steven Wright

177. “Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?” – Sarcastic Quotes

178. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.” – Sarcastic Quotes

179. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.” –Sarcastic Quotes

180. “He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.” – Victor Borge

Witty Quotes

181. “The more that learn to read, the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.” – Will Rogers

182. “People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”

183. “Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”

184. “Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”

185. “An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer

186. “I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”

187. “What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” – Mark Twain

188. “A half truth is a whole lie.”- Yiddish Proverb

189. “Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”

190. “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms

Witty Jokes

Comeback Quotes

191. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”

192. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”

193. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

194. “People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please.” – Will Rogers

195. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

196. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”

197. “Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”

198. “Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.” – Benjamin Disraeli

199. “Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”

200. “The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.” – Murphy’s Laws

Sassy Quotes

201. “It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.” – Woody Allen

202. “Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.” – Murphy’s Laws

203. “All the good ones are taken.” – Murphy’s Laws

204. “Find your patience before I lose mine.”

205. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

206. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

207. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”- W. C. Fields.

208. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”- Billy Connolly.

209. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”- Sarcastic Quotes

210. “If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that ‘Members not Present’ and ‘Subjects Discussed’ were one and the same. “- Robert Brault.

READ ALSO!!!

Savage Quotes

211. “I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’”- Sarcastic Quotes

212. “Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.”- Sarcastic Quotes

213. “Zombies eat brains, you are safe.”- John Stewart.

214. “Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon ’em.”    – Emilie Autumn.

215. “Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?”- Anonymous.

216. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”- A. A. Milne.

217. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”- Anonymous.

218. “I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.”- Anonymous.

219. “I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.”- Anonymous.

220. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.”- Oliver Hardy.

Savage Sayings

Smart Quotes

221. “Caller ID was invented for family screening.”- Anonymous.

222. “You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes are closed.” – Anonymous

223. “There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.” – Sarcastic Quotes

224. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.” – Oscar Wilde

225. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.” – Sarcastic Quotes

226. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

227. “I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.” – Sarcastic Quotes

228. “Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.” –Sarcastic Quotes

229. “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.” – Mahmoud Darwish

230. “I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’” – Sarcastic Quotes

Humor Quotes

231. “Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.” –Sarcastic Quotes

232. “Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.” – Sarcastic Quotes

233. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” – Sarcastic Quotes

234. “Thanks for calling me to tell me that you just sent me an email.” –Sarcastic Quotes

235. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

236. “One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.” – Kurt Vonnegut

237. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”

238. “It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.” – Jess C. Scott

239. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

240. “Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”

Humor

Funny Quotes

241. “I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.”

242. “Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”

243. “Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”

244. “I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.”

245. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”

246. “Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”

247. “Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”

248. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when i do, I’m probably at work.”

249. “I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.”

250. “My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”

We hope this article on sarcastic quotes has been interesting. Please endeavor to share this article with family and friends. 

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: